The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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