In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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