OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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