and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
