if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
