i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
