I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
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Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
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My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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