I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
