When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
