I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
