The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Randomize
