He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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