i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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