we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
