By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
