I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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