I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize