I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
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We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
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He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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