I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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