If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
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Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
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But break dance skills will only take you so far
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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