This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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