Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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