Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
