I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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