I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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