there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
