sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
sex in a hospital.. check
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
