So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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