took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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