Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
