is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
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He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
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I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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