What did we do last night that was yellow?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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