I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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