she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
