The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
the day after is always just damage control
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You need Xanax blowdarts
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
