i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
