Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Dick very happy bro
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
