One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
