Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
