When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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