Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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