thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
