my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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