You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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