Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
