Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
