so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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