I am puke
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
