nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
