Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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