My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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