She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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