I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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