Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
