You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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