in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
