You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
