I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
