threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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