Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
