Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
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Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
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He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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