i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Boobs are out for the taking
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
